What do I have?
Throughout my life, countless times I have felt that sense of lack, longing, and dis-ease and asked myself "What do I need?". Steadfastly following this question has brought me to any number of profound insights about awareness, compassion, identity, and many other critical aspects of life. However, in recent years, that question has been getting harder and harder to follow. Indeed, when I try to find an answer, typically I can’t think of anything at all that I "need". I can’t imagine anything that would address that lingering sense of something-is-wrong.
Last night I was once again pondering this question, with the usual frustrating lack of results. Suddenly, it occurred to me that I was asking the question backwards. "What do I need?" presupposes that the desired salve is absent and must be obtained. For the first time, a new question came to me: "What do I have?"
This is not a new notion for me intellectually as I have been reading it in various spiritual texts for years. Probably the best expression of it I’ve found is in The Diamond in Your Pocket by Gangaji. However, this was the first time I "got it". When I encountered it before, it was just a concept, and one that was hard to buy into emotionally. But last night it became real.
As I turn this question over in my head this morning, I realize that the only answer I have at the moment is "I don’t know." But my intuition tells me that I "have" vast quantities of "things" that I am not consciously aware of. Beyond simple physical resources, I think maybe I have more ethereal assets available to me that I am not aware of. So I don’t know what I have, but whatever it is, I’m pretty sure that I have it.
The next question that comes to me is "But how do I see it?". But I quickly realize that is just another form of "What do I need?". I lack awareness of the the things that I have, therefore I need vision. And once again we’re off down the road chasing something that isn’t here.
So if it’s not about being aware of what I have, I suppose it must be about trusting that it’s there. Trusting that it is sufficient. And trust isn’t something one has, it is something one does. I have the option of choosing to trust that I have everything I need. Trusting that I am loved and I am safe. Trusting that I am home.
Interesting.
Of course, this wouldn’t remove the value of vision. It is a grand thing to see further than before. But it would dramatically transform the nature of the pursuit of vision. Before, it was a desperate grasping for a rare and precious elixir of life; as if insight were air and water. But now it would be an exercise of discovery undertaken for the simple joy of growth.
Very interesting, indeed.