After somewhat thoroughly perusing the website, I concede that does look like an interesting and potentially transformative program.

- but -

Hear me now:

If you freak out in the throes of self-destructive idealism and burn all your money and trek across country to eventually live in an abandoned bus from the 1960’s in the Alaskan wilderness and subsequently freeze/starve to death on the aforementioned bus because you ate the wrong damn berry, the following measures will be taken:

1) I will travel to the Haiti to find a shamanic priest well versed in voodoo-type magic.

2) I will buy the shaman a high-quality parka.

3) I will travel to Alaska with the adequately insulated shaman, find your god-forsaken bus, and collect your wrinkly, frozen, ice-man-cometh remains.

4) I will ask the shaman to kindly resurrect you, leaving you technically sort-of alive, largely conscious and aware of your surroundings, though still in a befuddled and highly suggestible state. (yeah, that’s right, you’re a fuckin’ zombie.)

4b) Please bear in mind, the eating of brains will not be tolerated. You will be given one warning, after which you will be muzzled.

5) We will then travel to the State University of New York at Oswego, where you will be joining the 2009 pledge class of Sigma Delta Phi. A toga will be provided.

6) After six weeks of “keggers,” “paddlings”, and other initiatory rites, including, but not limited to, a night in the student infirmary recovering from alcohol poisoning, frostbite due to compulsory shoeless three am jogs, and an uncomfortable burning sensation acquired as a result of deflowering 49 highly unattractive “virgins,” your debt will be considered repaid and you will be permitted to leave campus.

7) You will be granted safe travel and escort to the tourist-infested sub-tropical resort of your choosing. (Brains continue to be unavailable as a culinary option.)

Finally, after arriving at your chosen destination, you will be given a pina colada, an unnecessarily loud Hawaiian shirt, and black socks to be worn under flip-flop sandals. You will then be led to the water’s edge where I will smack you soundly upside the head and proceed to strangle you to death with my bare hands.

8b.) In the unfortunate event that you remain, despite my best efforts, “undead,” you will be hand-delivered to the nearest Wall-Mart SuperCenter, where you will be outfitted with a red vest and forced to repeat “Welcome to Wall-Mart” every 4.3 seconds for the rest of eternity, or until the biblical apocalypse.*

(*note: In the case of mass post-apocalyptic social derangement, the eating of brains will be permitted.)

So, you know, basically, what I’m saying is, before you go traipsing off into the woods with a compass, a carabiner, and a dream, THINK IT THROUGH. Maybe even twice.

Unfortunately, they have priced it entirely beyond my means, so I’ll have to add it to my list of “wishful thinking.”